yeah....Things will only get better

As I stood before him for the briefing, he suddenly stopped and stared hard at me. After which he broke out into a smile.

When the briefing ended, Zain pulled me aside. The huge fellow was beaming with amusement.

" Sorry sir, but I just couldn't help it. From an angle, the "K" in your name tag looked like a "V" to me".

I paused for a moment and understood why. If the"K" is actually a "V", my surname would become "LOVE".

Ah well... he's human after all. Thank God that this misjudgment didn't come about during any major tournaments. I'm fine with this "error". "Malcolm" means " dove" or "follower of the dove".... a symbol of peace. Yes and that's what I treasure most. And of course love, all forms of it.

Well, it did create a moment of laughter or two. But nothing malicious. =)

I was alerted by someone that the ex has left some comments and an entry about me in her blog. Ok, I must confess, I haven't been following her blog that often since the split. Obvious reasons. And more often than ever, it's usually one of the guys that would drop me a text that a post was posted about me and ask me to take a look. Frankly speaking, I have no wish to harp over something that cannot be undone. Furthermore, there is no reason for the ex to bad mouth me. I trust her despite how the relationship ended, so why read her blog?

But yes, there were times that I stole glances into it. It was a habit that I've cultivated since the days she was in training. It was the only means to her insights. Ok, she would disagree and think that I'm more interested in her job than her and that I've made more efforts to find out more about her job than how she's thinking/feeling. And I'm dead sure that till this very moment, she would still hold firm to the belief that I love the job more than the person. And she feels that I'm unable to see this problem of mine. I shan't comment further on this, after all, when the intended meaning of a certain message is not received the way it was intended to be and when clarifications wasn't such a luxury available, it has failed it's purpose. Even if channels for clarifications are readily available and after clarifications, the intended message wasn't received the way it was intended to be, I guess that's it. I might be wrong in other areas but I hold firm to my view that the love for the job has never been greater than the person.

That's all the ingredients needed leading to a break up. You hold a view and I hold my view. We are unable to see each other's point of view. Till this very day, I've hardly spoken about the break-up to anyone. Be it on my blog, to my parents or to anyone else in AS1. This is the something between the 2 of us. And if it's to be spoken at all, it shall be between the two individuals. I did a scroll, a search on this very blog to find out the number of times that I've really touched on this issue. I don't seem to find any significant entries. This might be the only avenue that I would let loose but I still hold back and be as rational as possible. I still respect that this failed relationship is something between the 2 of us and have no wish to elaborate further. In other words. it's private.

Coming back to the post that the ex has posted. I normally wouldn't reply to such postings but well since the issue has been brought up again, it's good to clarify. I have no wish to stage a war of exchange.

I am sorry to have caused you much irritation. Thank you for mentioning my name and to attribute me to the source of your irritation. If that makes you feel better, it would have served the purpose. However, if the cause of the outburst is because of my previous post on opportunity costs, I would like to point out that it was in no way directed at you. In hind sight, the "3 years" and " phone call" does seem to reflect certain events that have taken place between the 2 of us, but if you would take my word for it, that posting wasn't intended for what happened between the 2 of us.

I'm sorry to say that a piece of rambling on certain issues pertaining what I've been through and what has happened to me during the struggle prior to penning on the dotted line and what is happening to now has been misconstrued. Or at least that's what I believe to be of your post. Yes, I didn't see your struggle during your dark periods; I was too preoccupied with handling mine.

Yes, I'm not embarrassed to admit that I still need more time to get over the failed relationship. I have no wish to know how you have survived and moved on, after all, that is your choice and I respect your choice. You have absolutely no need to feel sorry like you have mentioned in your post and I would rather you've not felt so. Yes, get on with your life and love yourself more and love whoever you would want to love. I don't need anymore reminders of the failed relationship for it would haunt me by itself. I don't blame you and have no intention to do so. And have never done so. But if you feel otherwise, then I'm sorry.

I have mentioned I would need my space to recover and to move on. Congratulations that you have moved on in such a short time but that's you. If for any reasons, that you feel that I have this hatred for you, so be it. After all, we had agree to disagree, if you remember. And yes, I would strongly disagree with the notion that I have any sense of hatred for you. Ask anyone if I had any tinge of hatred for you, I'm certain that you'll get a consistently "negative" reply. It's real gracious of you to admit to things you could have done before the failure of the relationship. I must confess it did bother to me that you have firmly planted the blame on me for the communication breakdown. And I am bothered by the fact that you have unilaterally handed the whole issue in the way you have deemed fit. You didn't allow me any chance to work things out. But whatever, it's all in the past and thank you for your clarifications.

And I don't see why my name should be spelt out. Not that I'm embarrassed but I really see no point. Then again, you wouldn't see my point of view.

As for the item you wanted to pass to me, thanks for your kind gesture. Not that I'm avoiding you but I was really not at HTA yesterday and wouldn't be at home most of the time during weekends. Yes, even now as I'm responding to your entry , I'm away from home.

Yes, things have settled down for you but it hasn't for me. Not that you're bothering me or that I have immense hatred for you, I just need my space to get over with things. Let's not get too agitated over this, it's just that.... we are different individuals and we react differently and we recover differently. No offence intended and if any, I apologise

Thanks for the well wishes.

I'm deleting this post for it has sent across a message that wasn't intended to be so.

Ok... it's raining... it's drizzling... but I'm sleepy.

Don't blame me...haha

**********

The phone is getting worn out. I think I'll need to get a new as soon as the contract allows one. Time flies...

**********

Another batch of PNSFs have passed out on Friday. In local lingo, they have POPed. The parade was simple, something that I haven't witnessed for quite some time. No march pass, no band (just a small section of drums and bag pipes) and the graduands didn't carry arms.

Ah well, so all the parade commander needs is a drill cane. Reminds me of a simple muster parade held within the school compound. And I guess this was indeed the intention. RO's a serving Senior Officer, someone within the Force. Hence, everything sums up.

*********

Back to sleep. Yes I'm sleepy

"I'll never let go of my dear, unless you choose to let go of me"

--- Fool, 2004

This fool ain't no fool, those words came true in 2007.

当你在黑暗中不断地挣扎又不见一丝光，你的最爱却又选择在你最需要她的时候弃你而去，不告而别。

不是说好了一起共患难的吗？三年多的时光也就这样化为灰烬。

谁对谁错也无所谓了，毕竟一开始已没有辩护的空间。午门之外，刽子手刀光一闪，悲痛绝望。

＊＊＊＊＊＊

疲惫憔悴。

往往，历过大风浪才得到的，更为珍贵。失去的，不再回来。或许是一种交易，或许是一种惩罚，又或许是欠你的。

我也认了。

筹码加大了，庄家乐在其中，我也无法后退，只可前进。

＊＊＊＊＊＊

回首两百余日，再次见面也只不过是客套问候。没法子，你我身份有悬殊，也不便多说。

＊＊＊＊＊＊

答应我，别让他人伤痛，好吗？

这种痛苦我能明了。。。

While it's close to impossible to post an entry in Shanghai(you know they block here and there and everywhere), things are very much the same over here. Yet to receive my laptop. Seems like the whole world is on leave.

Connection back home isn't too good, perhaps on leave as well? Anyway managed to get hold of this period whereby the connection's decent and to type a few words.

Year 2007 has come and passed us by. It wasn't too pleasant a year for me but I'm glad that I've managed to pull through. I shan't be harping over the tormenting months that just passed me by. I take heart that I'm still alive and (hopefully) stronger. Cliche as it might sound but what doesn't kill you only serves to make you stronger. I take away with me the lessons from the school of hard knocks.

While it's impossible to exorcise the ghost of the past, I take heart in knowing that come one day it will stop haunting me.

I said a little prayer... for you, for you and for all of you.

Here's a toast to 2008!