yeah....Things will only get better

Jan 20 2005


Aled Blake, Western Mail


THE biggest ever relationship survey has found the prime threat facing couples today is communication breakdown.

More and more men and women are splitting up because they can't or won't speak to each other.

And the toll modern life is having on relationships is also proving a decisive factor on whether they stay together, reveals the major research by counselling charity Relate and Bath University.

Full UK findings will not be published until April, but Relate has given an early snapshot of the survey's alarming conclusions.

The cost of living and lack of time together means more couples than ever before are arguing and "experiencing significant communications problems".


Many people were worried about the impact the "rat race" is having on family life.

Many couples are struggling more than ever with balancing act of work, children and relationships - both being constantly tired, stressed and overworked.

Women aged between 26 and 45 are most likely to struggle with life and feel out of control, a phenomenon now being depicted in Channel Four's hugely successful Desperate Housewives.

And, the study found, most men and women in that age group feel "anxious, fearful and don't want their relationships to break up" but "can't stop the arguing".

Relate counsellor Paula Hall said couples would know if there was a problem that needed to be addressed.

She explained, "When they are aware they are having problems and they are not overcoming them on their own, then they should get counselling.

"Or if they have tried to sit down and talk about it and they can't do so without conversation getting out of hand or one of them is avoiding having the conversation at all, that is when you should get outside help."

Relate hope the research will improve its therapy.

Ms Hall said, "The success of counselling is another thing we are measuring. As far as we are concerned, the earlier people come for counselling the better.

"And people are coming to Relate much earlier. We are seeing people coming forward saying they have been together six to eight months and they have come across a major problem in their relationship and want to address it before it drives them apart.

"In the past people have waited until 25 years of marriage to do that."

She pointed to the rise of relationship columns in newspapers and magazines and an increase in media interest as factors behind a more open culture.

"All of that supports the notion that relationships need work," she said. "The indication is that the impact of work on relationships is affecting most people now, whereas it would only have affected a small proportion before.

"There are a lot more couples now where both are working. Things are changing anyway and have been over the years they are actually doing a proper kind of research it will be interesting."

A year after completing counselling Relate says 58% clients felt that their relationship was better than it had been before receiving the help.

Top argument topics are money, children, personal habits, housework, work and sex while half of all arguments take place in the evenings, 26% are at weekends and 23% before a special event.

Relate has 2,000 counsellors working across the UK and delivers services in schools, surgeries, prisons and High Street centres.