yeah....Things will only get better

Frankly speaking, I can't understand why I'm posting this. I'm a) not facing any "imperfect marriage" b) not married c) no where near getting married d) all of the above.

However, I do agree with this article. Who is perfect ? And how can 2 imperfect persons come together and make a "perfect union"? The same with any relationship I suppose. I believe that we have heard of this many times and have been advised not to have overly high expectations of our partners, be it in a dating relationship, friendship or business partnership. Whatever is expected should be reasonably practical too.

Anyway, here an article by Fr Henry Siew from St Annes' Church in Punggol.


Your spouse is imperfect; you are imperfect; don’t expect your marriage to be perfect. But you can make it happy, advises Father Henry Siew.

AN UNMARRIED MAN, who was looking for a perfect woman to marry, never got married because the “perfect” women whom he met were looking for a perfect man, and he wasn’t perfect. Well, nobody’s perfect. But it is common for a courting couple, attracted by each other’s appearance and other attractive qualities, to overlook each other’s shortcomings and think each other “perfect”.

The challenge comes when the wedding excitement and honeymoon bliss is over and the newly- weds face the daily issues of housework, paying expenses, idiosyncratic behaviour and differences in temperament. These issues often give rise to tensions and the couple then begin to see clearly each other’s faults and to pick on them.

This “sudden” awareness raises doubts of whether the choice of this lifelong partner is correct although the shortcomings are exactly what each had before. Disappointed and disillusioned, they become less tolerant and more critical of each other. Conflict leads to sharp words, sarcasm and extended silences. What should be done if they want to change this mutually stifling atmosphere?

The reality is that there is no perfect marriage because no one is perfect. Therefore, it is important for husband and wife to accept each other with all the shortcomings, learn to compromise and be forgiving. Below are some pointers to help make an imperfect marriage happy.

First, let bygones be bygones. Concentrate on building the relationship now and improving the family life for the future. There may be occasions when you are tempted to use your spouse’s past errors and failures as a weapon to attack him or her – “Three years ago you lied to me about…”; “I told you the other time not to invest and you did not listen, and what happened?” – but such nagging will not enhance your relationship. Never dig up the spouse’s past in order to humiliate him or her.

Second, move out of self-preoccupation and focus on togetherness. When a man and a woman unite in holy matrimony, they must embrace the “We” and diminish the “I”. This does not mean that each person’s identity should be obscured but rather that, with the growth of togetherness, one will be enriched by the other. Genesis 2:24 says, “This is why a man leaves his father and mother and joins himself to his wife, and they become one body.” It is therefore vital to bear in mind that all major decisions pertaining to financial, household, children’s education, etc. should be made jointly and for the common good.

Third, build up and do not destroy. Encourage and praise your spouse. If you pick on your spouse’s negatives, you induce discouragement, insecurity and mistrust. Your spouse is likely to become defensive and might counterattack. Showing greater appreciation and admiration of each other’s positive qualities can create goodwill and a feeling of being accepted and loved, and your spouse will be encouraged to be a better person.

Fourth, fight for the relationship (where both will benefit), not to boost the self. When a couple fights and one party wins, both parties actually lose since the victory of one means the defeat of the other.

Fifth, perfect yourself and not try to perfect your spouse. Learn to know yourself and be aware of your areas of improvement. When you decide to change, you can overcome some shortcomings and become more understanding, loving, healthy and successful.

However, if you try to change your spouse to be what you want, you invite resistance. The more you pressurize, the more you convey a sense of dissatisfaction and non-acceptance, and the more he or she will resist.

Finally, build spousal relationship for its own sake and not for someone else’s sake. If you really want to stay together for the sake of your children despite an unhappy relationship, then you should do all you can to salvage your couple relationship. Living under the same roof but fighting all the time will harm the children.

A blissful home is built on a strong foundation of a cohesive and nurturing husband-wife partnership. The children are most blessed when their parents love each other deeply and work hand in hand to grow their family life. All marriages are imperfect because human beings are imperfect but together you can make an imperfect one happy.